song for 082309

So Yesterday (Hillary Duff)

You can change your life – if you wanna
You can change your clothes – if you wanna
If you change your mind
Well, that’s the way it goes

But I’m gonna keep your jeans
And your old black hat – cause I wanna
They look good on me
You’re never gonna get them back

At least not today, not today, not today
’cause

[Chorus:]
If it’s over, let it go and
Come tomorrow it will seem
So yesterday, so yesterday
I’m just a bird that’s already flown away

Laugh it off let it go and
When you wake up it will seem
So yesterday, so yesterday
Haven’t you heard that I’m gonna be okay

You can say you’re bored – if you wanna
You can act real tough – if you wanna
You can say you’re torn
But I’ve heard enough

Thank you… you made my mind up for me
When you started to ignore me
Do you see a single tear
It isn’t gonna happen here
At least not today, not today, not today
’cause

[Chorus]

If you’re over me, I’m already over you
If it’s all been done, what is left to do
How can you hang up if the line is dead
If you wanna walk, I’m a step ahead
If you’re moving on, I’m already gone
If the light is off then it isn’t on
At least not today, not today, not today
’cause

[Chorus 2X]

———

i’m now putting a PERIOD to what was then — goodbye yesterdays! :D

 

pretty odd

“things are shaping up to be pretty odd” — that’s one of my favorite lines from PATD’s That Green Gentleman song.. and now, understanding the lyric, it seems that line best describes how i see things happening in my life now – SO ODD! people are really unusual these days and i don’t like it.. they make me feel as if i’ve done something wrong and i even don’t have a clue what it is.. huhu.. don’t like this feeling! negative thoughts are playing in my mind.. i’m thinking of apologizing even if i don’t know what i’ll be apologizing for.. i always want to have an assurance that i’m okay with them, that there’s no cold air between us — that we’re getting along well; but what you’re doing now makes it hard for me to reach out.. what’s the matter with you? with us? i wanna know! :(

 

my jokes are 75% meant!

i had a simple conversation with mama and papa the other day, it was a very ordinary chit chat that eventually led them asking me, what are my plans for myself. am i contented staying at home doing nothing?! well, i jokingly answered them back, i only want to work outside davao, probably manila or cebu! haha.. it was a joke, but jokes are half meant or in my case, 75% meant! lol!! actually early this june i already made my attempt to ask them if i can work outside davao, but as expected, they refuse giving such lame reasons! well, i understand, i know there’s a deeper reason why they won’t allow me, the reasons they gave me were just excuses! i can read between the lines ma! im not that slow-minded! haha.. touch naman ako! by the way, admittedly, i reach the point of this some kinda “eagerness” to be independent that’s why i want to work outside davao.. i really am eager and willing to start a new life by myself, i want to become independent and i know i need to! i want to get out of my comfort zone and i always think staying here in davao won’t give me that chance! i want to know how far can i go and how long can i stand by myself! i want t o grow! you may think i exaggerated the term “independent-living” but that’s what i really want! but since my attempts of asking permission all failed, i didn’t apply for any job here in davao even though a lot of chances and opportunities are knocking, i ignore it all! those text messages, phone calls, job offered/introduced by some relatives and family friends — i ignore it all!! that’s how i indirectly rebelled! lol! anyway enough for that thing, im over it, and im back with my clear mind! what’s funny now is i still don’t have any plan to look for a job even if i already accepted the fact of me staying forever here in this &?#@ city! you know what?! i want to study social issues, don’t know what the course is but something about social works and learn all societal issues including poverty, ethical and legal issues concerning our community nowadays.. i have the heart and mind to study it again.. and so i jokingly asked mama if i could take that course, as expected, she laughed then asked me where did i get that idea, that funny idea! she thought im joking.. well yeah, im joking but then again 75% meant! hahaha.. i dont know what now, i dont know what’s next in this boring life of mine! but another thing, i reflected on this and really made time to think it over for 3 days and nights i guess, i am actually asking myself, what i really want since my entire life, i really don’t have any direction, im a very confused person, promise! well, anyway, so far as my mind works this way, i realized this thing, actually i didn’t wish to have a job though i’m aware i dont have money, i’m not rich and so i need to work to earn but i dont know, i just dont feel like working, it never seriously slipped in my mind.. what’s all in my mind now is i want to make changes in my life through helping those in need.. how i wish i could touch everyone’s life in a positive way and leave a footprint on society before my life will fade away.. i was really inspired by Albert Einstein’s words: try not to wish to become a man of success but rather wish to become a man of value in the society.. i may sound funny but its true! im not dreaming too much of success and money, all i know is there are people in need.. im starting not to think of myself but rather think of the people who needs more than i do! having live my life comfortably as the way i do is already a great blessing! don’t you think a funny clown is talking now?! haha..

hahai.. i dont know if i should laugh at myself thinking this way, but God, that’s just how simple my mind works and that’s what i want.. do i need somebody to knock my head off and be awake of the reality and realize how important job and money are?! if so, just tell me, i’ll stand in front of you so you can knock my poor head off!!

 

the reality before will never be a reality today

how i miss the times we talk, we laugh, we argue, we kid-fight.. its been 6 years when i last hear you say “hi”, “hello”, “musta?”, “have you eaten?” and of course how would i forget, those jokes that made me mad and made me laugh.. all your actions don’t mean anything to me then, i didn’t even get to realize how you treat me differently compared to others.. until now that you’re too impossible to reach.. i heard you’ve been through a lot of relationships, who would reject a man with character, very good-looking and ideal guy like you?! lol.. sometimes i want to regret for giving you reasons to give up and let me go.. im so immature that i did not even acknowledge your presence everytime we meet.. the reality before will no longer be a reality today.. bringing back the old days is just an illusion! it will forever remain a memory, just memory, a memory of regret! its only now that i understand the treatment you showed me, im too naive to never felt what you want me to feel.. thanks to your friends who made me realize all those things! can’t do anything now, atleast, once in your life, i occupied your mind.. hehe.. anyway, have a happy journey in your life! stay as the man of character as you are!

 

a call for prayer

all of us were saddened by the shocking tragedy happened in China province. it is really a heart-weakening disaster. i couldn’t imagine myself in the shoe of the victims. but what if..?! how traumatic that could be?! i just realize how LUCKY i am.. thank God!

by the way, surfing the net, i found this appeal from Bro. Joseph of Sichuan province requesting the people for prayer to all the victims of the sad tragedy in China, the 7.8 M earthquake that cause thousands of death..

 

“This message may come late on the third day of the earthquake, as our hearts are troubled by the grave disaster in Sichuan (the earthquake center is just 60 miles from the capital city Chengdu). Could you please forward this appeal for prayer for Sichuan’s earthquake victims to our communities through your network. May God bless those victims , those who are suffering and longing for life, and reunion with their loves ones. This is a sorrowful and mournful moment. Let’s pray for them.”

 

people, i also ask personally for your sincere prayers.. we know through media that many lives of people were lose.. and also, many are fortunate for not being a casualty of the disaster happened.. for us, fortunate, let us extend our prayers for the unfortunate.. hand in hand, even though we’re far from them and we don’t know them personally, we can restore the strength of the victims who atleast are alive and also we pray for those who departed.. prayers have the healing power so let’s include them in our prayers.. simple prayers may mean a lot to them.. Thanks and God Bless all of you!

images from chinadaily 

 

hurt people hurt people

hurt people hurt people — do you agree? i’ve read this in an email sent to me by brother bo sanchez for my monthly subscription to his blog.. actually when i first read it, i didn’t understand these repeating words though this made me think for a moment and made me dull-witted for not getting its meaning immediately, im just too slow! i thought it was just mere nonsense repeating words! i read it all over again until i finally get the point.. talking to myself alone, i said this phrase is true, i so agree to it! i’ve been hurt so many times and i keep it to myself.. i easily get hurt, small things are big deal to me.. i pretend a lot, instead of showing the pain growing inside, i express it through hatred and anger to the point of hurting the people around me.. this is especially before when i still don’t know the act of praying.. im so discombobulated, so confused how to deal with life and preferred doing things which i am not suppose to do.. so funny, i was given the title “blacksheep of the family” before when i was still 12 years old, i guess.. i can’t forget that, when my own father have thrown those words to me.. anyway, i live a better life now, amidst all the things that happened, i learn to depend on God, somehow, i found Him and prayers are my medication to heal whatever pain i feel..

hurt people are not to be hurt in return.. they’re the people who feel unwanted, uncared and unloved.. they need the spiritual and mental healing of prayers just like i did.. keep on praying and realize the power it can bring!

 

silent pain

“leizl is so dependent and can’t stand in her own unlike her elder sister who is always on the go and ready to take challenges abroad”

on the above were the translated words i’ve heard right from the mouth of an old woman who happened to have a petty talk with us (my family) when we attended at a baptism’s reception months ago.. until now, i can’t forget the scene, the talks and that very moment when those words were said.. reminiscing that time, i was just listening to her saying those words in front of me, my family and some other neighbors.. i never reacted and silently feeling the pain inside as if i did not hear anything..  i hate it when people under-estimate me.. i hate it when people compare me to others.. i’m not anybody else, i’m just me.. i may be so passive my whole life but i guess no one knows why i acted such a useless person.. i don’t go out the house and be as socially active as many people do and be challenged outside because i worry so much thinking for example there will come a time i’m not at home and something bad will happen to mama or papa.. i don’t plan to go abroad to work and earn foreign money not because i am afraid to but because i don’t want to leave mama and papa here in Pinas just the two of them alone.. that’s my weakness, im so pessimistic as ever.. although i will surely love to go outside the country or atleast outside this city to start a new life! anyway, i worry so much for them that i always consider them everytime i make plans and decisions.. i guess my worries have eaten me so much to the point of not gaining high confidence at all and somehow hinders my dream (no complaints though).. but now, i’m in a high adrenaline to prove something! i’ll do my own way of proving them wrong yet still consider mama and papa! i know someday, i will and with high belief, i can! prayers and a simple appreciation from ordinary people are my few source of confidence. very seldom do i get appreciation that’s why i doesn’t have much confidence to boost then.. so i better depend on prayers for now! a very simple appreciation really means a lot to me and a simple negative word can cause me hatred.. people just don’t know what’s inside the heart of this poor little girl they used to under-estimate!

morale: don’t judge the book by its cover

 

i want to grow

so physically exhausted walking around those three certain streets in the city accompanying my friend’s friend.. but i don’t regret it though! i just want to go out the house, be expose to the society and realize the reality of life.. i’ve been so passive my entire life, i admit! i exist but it’s as if i don’t live! i know nothing about real life, the facts of life, i’m too happy-go-lucky, everyday is just an ordinary day, nothing new, nothing to look forward to! i want a rebirth and i need it to grow!

 

can’t sleep

the night is breaking to dawn.. its already 2am.. the street outside is so silent as if you can’t hear any sound at all.. everybody in this house are already asleep except me.. here i am, still awake, can’t sleep, maybe insomnia hit me again or am i just thinking of so many things that my mind couldn’t take it any longer but attend uncontrollably through all the things running in my poor mind?!  im tired and i want to sleep..

 

fortunate unfortunate

my activities today are really tiresome, travelling from one place to another for job hunting.. anyway, before getting deeper into my activities today, i just want to start my day right.. as my ideal morning routine, i woke up with an obviously big smile, immediately switched on my mp3 with loudspeaker turned on playing six consecutive  spiritual-inspirational songs.. i always want to remind myself about the existence of God in my life so i am trying not to break the chain of morning routine i started way back when i have my distressing-thesis-days early this year.. meanwhile, when im already in downtown, i decided to visit the cathedral and so i stayed there for 30  minutes – 30 minutes talking to God alone.. such a very refreshing thing to start my day! i like the feeling of leaving everything to God, trusting Him that everything will work out fine this day, just reminding myself that He’s there, He really exist! after that 30-minute conversation with God, of course, as planned, i, together with my two friends, went to PESO to inquire for some job vacancies here in the city.. yes, we found lots of job hiring suitable for our degree and skills, we listed them down and waited for our turn to approach the PESO staff-in-charge.. after 20 minutes or so, my friend was called for an informal interview and followed by my other friend, same thing was done.. anyway, after them, it’s my turn! unexpectedly, when i was about to sit in the chair in front of the interviewer, i was suddenly told she can’t interview me since i was wearing a slipper, i made a little frown in my face and was confused how to react. im not wearing a slipper anyway, it’s a white-and-brown sandal without heels, to think of it, it’s not a ragged type of sandal unlike the one weared by the person interviewed before us..  i don’t like arguments so i better stepped out the room.. outside, i realized how that situation brought shame to me, it’s not only me who heard the words thrown in me, there are some waiting applicants inside aside from me.. well, i murmured to myself some bad words against that woman and later talked loudly some funny backbites just to release the little anger growing inside.. i hate it when i am being embarrassed, and that woman embarrassed me in front of people i don’t know.. what a pity on me! anyway, waiting for the referral sheets to be released for my two friends, i am silently asking God about the thing happened, how my early day turned out that way! i was expecting a very good day because i know from the start of the day i have God with me but why?! encouraged by my friends, we went to the other PESO branch and see my luck there, i’ll try if they could give me the referral sheet i need for my job application in a certain company since they’re not that strict as the main branch.. but then again, unfortunately, they still don’t have the updated list of job vacancies i could use and is needed to ask for a referral sheet.. so obviously, nothing happened! i decided not to push myself in getting that referral sheet today, instead, i will just accompany my friends in their application.. jump to the end of the application process undergone by my friends this day, after waiting for them ALONE to finish their exam and a little interview for FOUR HOURS, they finally came out the testing room.. (never expected their exams take that long, my friends left their things to me, so no choice but to really wait for them to finish) by the way, there i found out how difficult the exam was, as how they descibe it “an extremely nosebleed”.. a very long and brain-drain exam! actually i can see it in their faces how regretful they were for taking the exam, not to mention the  contract and the salary if ever they’re hired. it’s actually a three-year contract with only P150/day salary.. oh, i guess it’s not a good idea working in this company, working eight hours, six days a week! a tiresome job with unsuitable salary! geeezzzz! heard about the information, i just realize maybe God have prepared something better for me.. my brain was saved from being too used up with the 2 sets of long exams and efforts were saved from applying with that company.. i thought i was the one unlucky this day, but having seen the negative facial expressions and stressed-frown-faces of my friends after the exam and the interview, i just realized God is really with me.. how fortunate this unfortunate me today! prayers were really answered! so i was walking home alone with an obviously big smile just like how i started my day from the time i woke up! guessed i forgotten my friends in my little prayer! hehe.. charge to experience guys! we’ll continue our job hunt next time around!