silent water runs deep

i thought i’ve calmed down from yesterday’s emotion but still i woke up bothered with those silly words.. i want to hate myself  for being too emotional.. i hate myself because my emotion is so weak, it easily breaks down! but what can i do, this is just me, a weak me?! i want to defend myself for once but i might hurt the person involved, he’s a bit emotional too and i want to protect his emotion even though he didn’t protect mine! looking at myself, i really can prove, silent water runs deep!

 

just a little respect

as im pressing every character’s key in this keyboard to form a word, a sentence, tears roll down my cheeks uncontrollably and my eyes are obviously swollen.. im a bit pissed but more of hurt.. again, i’ve heard a word thrown directly from a dear’s mouth — it hurts not only me, i know! how much prayer will it take to touch you and somehow make you realize how much pain your words caused me, or did you even care for my feelings?! you may think i’m naive but you just don’t know how affected i am with your words that are slowly killing me inside.. hearing those words, i felt so useless, so stupid as if im a nobody to you! is it too much to ask for a little respect from you, atleast as a person?

again i tell you, be careful with your words, you might hurt others or others might hate you! i’m running out of control so please before i do things i might regret, think first before you talk! words are such a big deal for me ‘coz you’re hitting me emotionally.. believe it or not, i would prefer you hitting me physically than degrading me emotionally! physical wounds are easy to heal but wounded heart feeling uncared is so hard to cure.. don’t worry, i can still take the pain for now, i’ll keep this in silent curing the pain by myself!

 

gentle rain

it’s still 2 in the afternoon yet the surrounding is slowly getting dim and dimmer until a heavy downpour came.. it is a relentless rain as if heaven is so mad! the cold weather and the strong wind that enters my room gives me the feeling of laziness having a sluggish body that doesn’t want to respond to even just a simple act of picking up my teddy that fell from my bed.. the obvious sound of the rain falling on our rooftop is just so annoying, i could really feel heaven and nature’s anger! lol! how i wish this cold weather is not tailed by this frightening rain; it could be better if this perfect chillness around is along with just a gentle rain.. that would really be a great feeling — embracing the cold wind as it blows, lying in my bed, playing soft music, relaxing and eventually letting go of the emotions and worries inside, so carefree! but ei, kindly knock my head off, i’m kinda daydreaming here! oh God, just give us a gentle rain for now!

 

don’t want to hate you!

all blame laid on me again! am i that bungling in your eyes?! i’m just so tired listening to all accusations of misdeed thrown to me as if my real fault! can’t you see how painful your words are?! it did crushed my heart! knowing myself, although im so passive almost my whole life and doesn’t have broad experiences as you have since i’m way younger than you are, this i proudly tell you: i know how to accept mistake if its truly my fault! that’s not a hard thing for me to do so long im the real one held responsible for it! please don’t blame everything to me and put me down with those hurtful words! what’s worst is you’re just so dear to me that i can’t answer you back! arguing with you just hurt me even more! defending myself might offend you! so kindly watch your words, i don’t want to hurt you and i don’t want to hate you!

 

in euphoria

really feel elated today having spent time with my ma and pa.. can’t imagine us watching in a movie theater together although we’ve done it before but just once when i was still in my preparatory school days.. but that’s a very very long time ago! and just this afternoon, we did it again, now that i am already 21.. even though i don’t like the movie we’ve watched because of so much drama, still i go for the sake of spending a very rare moment like this with them.. i guess using the word “happy” is an understatement to describe myself today, so i better define this day ”me in euphoria”… :)

when we arrived back home, i took some pics of my crazy face.. hehe.. i pose and pose and pose expressing how alive my nerves are.. i’m really in a great great happiness today, so ecstatic, so overjoyed! hope to have another time like this to come!

 

can i…?!

i am a very typical person and of course no exception of having problems.. i just realize lately the eagerness in me to free myself from any problems i face all alone.. i want to be happy.. i want to live and see the beauty of life.. but i was thinking, can i truly be happy even though i face my predicaments on my own?! its not that i don’t have anybody to share my problems with.. its just that i don’t want to share it to anybody else.. it is my choice to face and solve it alone.. i always think i have enough courage to deal with it alone though there would really come a time that i feel so weak to the point of giving up.. there i woud realize that i can’t fix it by myself.. so i run to God through sincere prayers.. i pray because i’m helpless.. that’s the source of my strength when im in low spirit.. prayers have made me realize a lot of things important in my growing up, in my journey, even though i admit i also feel disappointments.. but i dont want to think over those disappointments and frustrations, it will only dishearten me.. i always want to remember in my heart and mind that with God, i can!

 

got teary-eyed!

can’t believe i cried while i attended the holy eucharist early this morning.. especially when i was singing songs during the offertory and the “our father” part of the mass, really got so teary-eyed! everything in my mind were pictures of the Sichuan victims.. got a bit emotional and felt bad with what’s happening nowadays, a lot of tragedies!! what does this mean?! im not over reacting on the tragic events that happened but i was just moved with pity, really.. i may be a nobody in everything that were happening but i am just an ordinary christian saddened by the worsening situation these days.. :(

The Lord be with us all!

 

a call for prayer

all of us were saddened by the shocking tragedy happened in China province. it is really a heart-weakening disaster. i couldn’t imagine myself in the shoe of the victims. but what if..?! how traumatic that could be?! i just realize how LUCKY i am.. thank God!

by the way, surfing the net, i found this appeal from Bro. Joseph of Sichuan province requesting the people for prayer to all the victims of the sad tragedy in China, the 7.8 M earthquake that cause thousands of death..

 

“This message may come late on the third day of the earthquake, as our hearts are troubled by the grave disaster in Sichuan (the earthquake center is just 60 miles from the capital city Chengdu). Could you please forward this appeal for prayer for Sichuan’s earthquake victims to our communities through your network. May God bless those victims , those who are suffering and longing for life, and reunion with their loves ones. This is a sorrowful and mournful moment. Let’s pray for them.”

 

people, i also ask personally for your sincere prayers.. we know through media that many lives of people were lose.. and also, many are fortunate for not being a casualty of the disaster happened.. for us, fortunate, let us extend our prayers for the unfortunate.. hand in hand, even though we’re far from them and we don’t know them personally, we can restore the strength of the victims who atleast are alive and also we pray for those who departed.. prayers have the healing power so let’s include them in our prayers.. simple prayers may mean a lot to them.. Thanks and God Bless all of you!

images from chinadaily 

 

hurt people hurt people

hurt people hurt people — do you agree? i’ve read this in an email sent to me by brother bo sanchez for my monthly subscription to his blog.. actually when i first read it, i didn’t understand these repeating words though this made me think for a moment and made me dull-witted for not getting its meaning immediately, im just too slow! i thought it was just mere nonsense repeating words! i read it all over again until i finally get the point.. talking to myself alone, i said this phrase is true, i so agree to it! i’ve been hurt so many times and i keep it to myself.. i easily get hurt, small things are big deal to me.. i pretend a lot, instead of showing the pain growing inside, i express it through hatred and anger to the point of hurting the people around me.. this is especially before when i still don’t know the act of praying.. im so discombobulated, so confused how to deal with life and preferred doing things which i am not suppose to do.. so funny, i was given the title “blacksheep of the family” before when i was still 12 years old, i guess.. i can’t forget that, when my own father have thrown those words to me.. anyway, i live a better life now, amidst all the things that happened, i learn to depend on God, somehow, i found Him and prayers are my medication to heal whatever pain i feel..

hurt people are not to be hurt in return.. they’re the people who feel unwanted, uncared and unloved.. they need the spiritual and mental healing of prayers just like i did.. keep on praying and realize the power it can bring!

 

silent pain

“leizl is so dependent and can’t stand in her own unlike her elder sister who is always on the go and ready to take challenges abroad”

on the above were the translated words i’ve heard right from the mouth of an old woman who happened to have a petty talk with us (my family) when we attended at a baptism’s reception months ago.. until now, i can’t forget the scene, the talks and that very moment when those words were said.. reminiscing that time, i was just listening to her saying those words in front of me, my family and some other neighbors.. i never reacted and silently feeling the pain inside as if i did not hear anything..  i hate it when people under-estimate me.. i hate it when people compare me to others.. i’m not anybody else, i’m just me.. i may be so passive my whole life but i guess no one knows why i acted such a useless person.. i don’t go out the house and be as socially active as many people do and be challenged outside because i worry so much thinking for example there will come a time i’m not at home and something bad will happen to mama or papa.. i don’t plan to go abroad to work and earn foreign money not because i am afraid to but because i don’t want to leave mama and papa here in Pinas just the two of them alone.. that’s my weakness, im so pessimistic as ever.. although i will surely love to go outside the country or atleast outside this city to start a new life! anyway, i worry so much for them that i always consider them everytime i make plans and decisions.. i guess my worries have eaten me so much to the point of not gaining high confidence at all and somehow hinders my dream (no complaints though).. but now, i’m in a high adrenaline to prove something! i’ll do my own way of proving them wrong yet still consider mama and papa! i know someday, i will and with high belief, i can! prayers and a simple appreciation from ordinary people are my few source of confidence. very seldom do i get appreciation that’s why i doesn’t have much confidence to boost then.. so i better depend on prayers for now! a very simple appreciation really means a lot to me and a simple negative word can cause me hatred.. people just don’t know what’s inside the heart of this poor little girl they used to under-estimate!

morale: don’t judge the book by its cover