i speak


So Yesterday (Hillary Duff)

You can change your life – if you wanna
You can change your clothes – if you wanna
If you change your mind
Well, that’s the way it goes

But I’m gonna keep your jeans
And your old black hat – cause I wanna
They look good on me
You’re never gonna get them back

At least not today, not today, not today
’cause

[Chorus:]
If it’s over, let it go and
Come tomorrow it will seem
So yesterday, so yesterday
I’m just a bird that’s already flown away

Laugh it off let it go and
When you wake up it will seem
So yesterday, so yesterday
Haven’t you heard that I’m gonna be okay

You can say you’re bored – if you wanna
You can act real tough – if you wanna
You can say you’re torn
But I’ve heard enough

Thank you… you made my mind up for me
When you started to ignore me
Do you see a single tear
It isn’t gonna happen here
At least not today, not today, not today
’cause

[Chorus]

If you’re over me, I’m already over you
If it’s all been done, what is left to do
How can you hang up if the line is dead
If you wanna walk, I’m a step ahead
If you’re moving on, I’m already gone
If the light is off then it isn’t on
At least not today, not today, not today
’cause

[Chorus 2X]

———

i’m now putting a PERIOD to what was then — goodbye yesterdays! :D

“things are shaping up to be pretty odd” — that’s one of my favorite lines from PATD’s That Green Gentleman song.. and now, understanding the lyric, it seems that line best describes how i see things happening in my life now – SO ODD! people are really unusual these days and i don’t like it.. they make me feel as if i’ve done something wrong and i even don’t have a clue what it is.. huhu.. don’t like this feeling! negative thoughts are playing in my mind.. i’m thinking of apologizing even if i don’t know what i’ll be apologizing for.. i always want to have an assurance that i’m okay with them, that there’s no cold air between us — that we’re getting along well; but what you’re doing now makes it hard for me to reach out.. what’s the matter with you? with us? i wanna know! :(

i had a simple conversation with mama and papa the other day, it was a very ordinary chit chat that eventually led them asking me, what are my plans for myself. am i contented staying at home doing nothing?! well, i jokingly answered them back, i only want to work outside davao, probably manila or cebu! haha.. it was a joke, but jokes are half meant or in my case, 75% meant! lol!! actually early this june i already made my attempt to ask them if i can work outside davao, but as expected, they refuse giving such lame reasons! well, i understand, i know there’s a deeper reason why they won’t allow me, the reasons they gave me were just excuses! i can read between the lines ma! im not that slow-minded! haha.. touch naman ako! by the way, admittedly, i reach the point of this some kinda “eagerness” to be independent that’s why i want to work outside davao.. i really am eager and willing to start a new life by myself, i want to become independent and i know i need to! i want to get out of my comfort zone and i always think staying here in davao won’t give me that chance! i want to know how far can i go and how long can i stand by myself! i want t o grow! you may think i exaggerated the term “independent-living” but that’s what i really want! but since my attempts of asking permission all failed, i didn’t apply for any job here in davao even though a lot of chances and opportunities are knocking, i ignore it all! those text messages, phone calls, job offered/introduced by some relatives and family friends — i ignore it all!! that’s how i indirectly rebelled! lol! anyway enough for that thing, im over it, and im back with my clear mind! what’s funny now is i still don’t have any plan to look for a job even if i already accepted the fact of me staying forever here in this &?#@ city! you know what?! i want to study social issues, don’t know what the course is but something about social works and learn all societal issues including poverty, ethical and legal issues concerning our community nowadays.. i have the heart and mind to study it again.. and so i jokingly asked mama if i could take that course, as expected, she laughed then asked me where did i get that idea, that funny idea! she thought im joking.. well yeah, im joking but then again 75% meant! hahaha.. i dont know what now, i dont know what’s next in this boring life of mine! but another thing, i reflected on this and really made time to think it over for 3 days and nights i guess, i am actually asking myself, what i really want since my entire life, i really don’t have any direction, im a very confused person, promise! well, anyway, so far as my mind works this way, i realized this thing, actually i didn’t wish to have a job though i’m aware i dont have money, i’m not rich and so i need to work to earn but i dont know, i just dont feel like working, it never seriously slipped in my mind.. what’s all in my mind now is i want to make changes in my life through helping those in need.. how i wish i could touch everyone’s life in a positive way and leave a footprint on society before my life will fade away.. i was really inspired by Albert Einstein’s words: try not to wish to become a man of success but rather wish to become a man of value in the society.. i may sound funny but its true! im not dreaming too much of success and money, all i know is there are people in need.. im starting not to think of myself but rather think of the people who needs more than i do! having live my life comfortably as the way i do is already a great blessing! don’t you think a funny clown is talking now?! haha..

hahai.. i dont know if i should laugh at myself thinking this way, but God, that’s just how simple my mind works and that’s what i want.. do i need somebody to knock my head off and be awake of the reality and realize how important job and money are?! if so, just tell me, i’ll stand in front of you so you can knock my poor head off!!

how i miss the times we talk, we laugh, we argue, we kid-fight.. its been 6 years when i last hear you say “hi”, “hello”, “musta?”, “have you eaten?” and of course how would i forget, those jokes that made me mad and made me laugh.. all your actions don’t mean anything to me then, i didn’t even get to realize how you treat me differently compared to others.. until now that you’re too impossible to reach.. i heard you’ve been through a lot of relationships, who would reject a man with character, very good-looking and ideal guy like you?! lol.. sometimes i want to regret for giving you reasons to give up and let me go.. im so immature that i did not even acknowledge your presence everytime we meet.. the reality before will no longer be a reality today.. bringing back the old days is just an illusion! it will forever remain a memory, just memory, a memory of regret! its only now that i understand the treatment you showed me, im too naive to never felt what you want me to feel.. thanks to your friends who made me realize all those things! can’t do anything now, atleast, once in your life, i occupied your mind.. hehe.. anyway, have a happy journey in your life! stay as the man of character as you are!

all of us were saddened by the shocking tragedy happened in China province. it is really a heart-weakening disaster. i couldn’t imagine myself in the shoe of the victims. but what if..?! how traumatic that could be?! i just realize how LUCKY i am.. thank God!

by the way, surfing the net, i found this appeal from Bro. Joseph of Sichuan province requesting the people for prayer to all the victims of the sad tragedy in China, the 7.8 M earthquake that cause thousands of death..

 

“This message may come late on the third day of the earthquake, as our hearts are troubled by the grave disaster in Sichuan (the earthquake center is just 60 miles from the capital city Chengdu). Could you please forward this appeal for prayer for Sichuan’s earthquake victims to our communities through your network. May God bless those victims , those who are suffering and longing for life, and reunion with their loves ones. This is a sorrowful and mournful moment. Let’s pray for them.”

 

people, i also ask personally for your sincere prayers.. we know through media that many lives of people were lose.. and also, many are fortunate for not being a casualty of the disaster happened.. for us, fortunate, let us extend our prayers for the unfortunate.. hand in hand, even though we’re far from them and we don’t know them personally, we can restore the strength of the victims who atleast are alive and also we pray for those who departed.. prayers have the healing power so let’s include them in our prayers.. simple prayers may mean a lot to them.. Thanks and God Bless all of you!
images from chinadaily 

hurt people hurt people — do you agree? i’ve read this in an email sent to me by brother bo sanchez for my monthly subscription to his blog.. actually when i first read it, i didn’t understand these repeating words though this made me think for a moment and made me dull-witted for not getting its meaning immediately, im just too slow! i thought it was just mere nonsense repeating words! i read it all over again until i finally get the point.. talking to myself alone, i said this phrase is true, i so agree to it! i’ve been hurt so many times and i keep it to myself.. i easily get hurt, small things are big deal to me.. i pretend a lot, instead of showing the pain growing inside, i express it through hatred and anger to the point of hurting the people around me.. this is especially before when i still don’t know the act of praying.. im so discombobulated, so confused how to deal with life and preferred doing things which i am not suppose to do.. so funny, i was given the title “blacksheep of the family” before when i was still 12 years old, i guess.. i can’t forget that, when my own father have thrown those words to me.. anyway, i live a better life now, amidst all the things that happened, i learn to depend on God, somehow, i found Him and prayers are my medication to heal whatever pain i feel..

hurt people are not to be hurt in return.. they’re the people who feel unwanted, uncared and unloved.. they need the spiritual and mental healing of prayers just like i did.. keep on praying and realize the power it can bring!

“leizl is so dependent and can’t stand in her own unlike her elder sister who is always on the go and ready to take challenges abroad”

on the above were the translated words i’ve heard right from the mouth of an old woman who happened to have a petty talk with us (my family) when we attended at a baptism’s reception months ago.. until now, i can’t forget the scene, the talks and that very moment when those words were said.. reminiscing that time, i was just listening to her saying those words in front of me, my family and some other neighbors.. i never reacted and silently feeling the pain inside as if i did not hear anything..  i hate it when people under-estimate me.. i hate it when people compare me to others.. i’m not anybody else, i’m just me.. i may be so passive my whole life but i guess no one knows why i acted such a useless person.. i don’t go out the house and be as socially active as many people do and be challenged outside because i worry so much thinking for example there will come a time i’m not at home and something bad will happen to mama or papa.. i don’t plan to go abroad to work and earn foreign money not because i am afraid to but because i don’t want to leave mama and papa here in Pinas just the two of them alone.. that’s my weakness, im so pessimistic as ever.. although i will surely love to go outside the country or atleast outside this city to start a new life! anyway, i worry so much for them that i always consider them everytime i make plans and decisions.. i guess my worries have eaten me so much to the point of not gaining high confidence at all and somehow hinders my dream (no complaints though).. but now, i’m in a high adrenaline to prove something! i’ll do my own way of proving them wrong yet still consider mama and papa! i know someday, i will and with high belief, i can! prayers and a simple appreciation from ordinary people are my few source of confidence. very seldom do i get appreciation that’s why i doesn’t have much confidence to boost then.. so i better depend on prayers for now! a very simple appreciation really means a lot to me and a simple negative word can cause me hatred.. people just don’t know what’s inside the heart of this poor little girl they used to under-estimate!

morale: don’t judge the book by its cover

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