living life

i am so happy! august 21, 2009 — today marks our day and i finally have you.. :)

i had a simple conversation with mama and papa the other day, it was a very ordinary chit chat that eventually led them asking me, what are my plans for myself. am i contented staying at home doing nothing?! well, i jokingly answered them back, i only want to work outside davao, probably manila or cebu! haha.. it was a joke, but jokes are half meant or in my case, 75% meant! lol!! actually early this june i already made my attempt to ask them if i can work outside davao, but as expected, they refuse giving such lame reasons! well, i understand, i know there’s a deeper reason why they won’t allow me, the reasons they gave me were just excuses! i can read between the lines ma! im not that slow-minded! haha.. touch naman ako! by the way, admittedly, i reach the point of this some kinda “eagerness” to be independent that’s why i want to work outside davao.. i really am eager and willing to start a new life by myself, i want to become independent and i know i need to! i want to get out of my comfort zone and i always think staying here in davao won’t give me that chance! i want to know how far can i go and how long can i stand by myself! i want t o grow! you may think i exaggerated the term “independent-living” but that’s what i really want! but since my attempts of asking permission all failed, i didn’t apply for any job here in davao even though a lot of chances and opportunities are knocking, i ignore it all! those text messages, phone calls, job offered/introduced by some relatives and family friends — i ignore it all!! that’s how i indirectly rebelled! lol! anyway enough for that thing, im over it, and im back with my clear mind! what’s funny now is i still don’t have any plan to look for a job even if i already accepted the fact of me staying forever here in this &?#@ city! you know what?! i want to study social issues, don’t know what the course is but something about social works and learn all societal issues including poverty, ethical and legal issues concerning our community nowadays.. i have the heart and mind to study it again.. and so i jokingly asked mama if i could take that course, as expected, she laughed then asked me where did i get that idea, that funny idea! she thought im joking.. well yeah, im joking but then again 75% meant! hahaha.. i dont know what now, i dont know what’s next in this boring life of mine! but another thing, i reflected on this and really made time to think it over for 3 days and nights i guess, i am actually asking myself, what i really want since my entire life, i really don’t have any direction, im a very confused person, promise! well, anyway, so far as my mind works this way, i realized this thing, actually i didn’t wish to have a job though i’m aware i dont have money, i’m not rich and so i need to work to earn but i dont know, i just dont feel like working, it never seriously slipped in my mind.. what’s all in my mind now is i want to make changes in my life through helping those in need.. how i wish i could touch everyone’s life in a positive way and leave a footprint on society before my life will fade away.. i was really inspired by Albert Einstein’s words: try not to wish to become a man of success but rather wish to become a man of value in the society.. i may sound funny but its true! im not dreaming too much of success and money, all i know is there are people in need.. im starting not to think of myself but rather think of the people who needs more than i do! having live my life comfortably as the way i do is already a great blessing! don’t you think a funny clown is talking now?! haha..

hahai.. i dont know if i should laugh at myself thinking this way, but God, that’s just how simple my mind works and that’s what i want.. do i need somebody to knock my head off and be awake of the reality and realize how important job and money are?! if so, just tell me, i’ll stand in front of you so you can knock my poor head off!!

i just remember how my days were like this early june.. as i am reading my posts here, can’t help but laugh with all my dramas.. whooww, i made all those petty things such a big deal.. really full of emotions, really saddening, pretty true but admittedly pretty funny too! well yeah, i may be too emotional for an hour, for a day or even for a week, but that’s just it! i should not stay thinking and feeling those heartwrenching emotions forever, that might make my life so much of a tragedy where in fact i can make it much more of a comedy, right?! now im talking to myself and maybe to some of you guys, as what Will Rogers’s well-known line says: don’t let yesterday use up too much of today! yes, i want to plant that exact words in my very own weak mind — everyday is a new life, don’t be too attached of yesterday’s emotion! live life! enjoy life! :)

paper works! grrrr...

its been so long since i last posted here and i miss this so much! i miss writing about my personal life! im a bit busy lately doing reports which my mom asked me to do.. well, being a good daughter, how can i resist my own mom?! LOL!! anyway, i stayed at the hospital doing loads of computer and paper works and it didn’t bore me at all since i saw two of my high school friends there, actually one is already working there with my mom and the other is having her internship who happen to be assigned in my mom’s department.. one thing i just hate staying there is the smell, and it really stinks especially when they’re autoclaving.. i didn’t wear any mask that’s why i feel like vomitting whenever they’re autoclaving, really yuckyy!! my God, can’t stay there if i smell that thing the whole day! good, it only lasted for 30 to 60 minutes a day but hey, that’s alreay a sacrifice on my part! LOL!!

well, i welcome myself back here and hope to update this page as often as i can.. miss this soww much! my page dominates my life! besides, this is the only place where i can exactly be me bursting every joy, sadness, hatred and anger i feel! good to have a place like this, ayt?!

how i miss the times we talk, we laugh, we argue, we kid-fight.. its been 6 years when i last hear you say “hi”, “hello”, “musta?”, “have you eaten?” and of course how would i forget, those jokes that made me mad and made me laugh.. all your actions don’t mean anything to me then, i didn’t even get to realize how you treat me differently compared to others.. until now that you’re too impossible to reach.. i heard you’ve been through a lot of relationships, who would reject a man with character, very good-looking and ideal guy like you?! lol.. sometimes i want to regret for giving you reasons to give up and let me go.. im so immature that i did not even acknowledge your presence everytime we meet.. the reality before will no longer be a reality today.. bringing back the old days is just an illusion! it will forever remain a memory, just memory, a memory of regret! its only now that i understand the treatment you showed me, im too naive to never felt what you want me to feel.. thanks to your friends who made me realize all those things! can’t do anything now, atleast, once in your life, i occupied your mind.. hehe.. anyway, have a happy journey in your life! stay as the man of character as you are!

encouraging words

i really felt disheartened these past days.. i seldom talk or at most i dont talk at all.. i know the root of this feeling is just too shallow compared to others who really have a serious heart weakening encounters with other people.. i grew up like this and words are so meaningful to me.. my mood and spirit are easily influenced by words i hear.. i’ve mentioned from my earlier post that a very simple appreciation really means a lot to me and a simple negative word can cause me hatred.. that’s how shallow i am yet so deep.. how contradictory those words are, shallow yet deep?! a bit confusing, right? anyway, im all alone and i dont have anybody to cheer me up these lonely days i have.. even though i can feel my insignificant existence to some people dear to me, i want to gain some spirit to view the brighter side of me.. i kept this sheet of paper where my friends have written some words of appreciation, thank you’s, encouragement; this was actually written during our class retreat.. this somehow has the ability to cheer me up, i feel my importance in their life, i feel as if i have done something good in their life, i feel as if i have left a mark and happy memories in their life, i feel as if i really am an important part of their life. its good they appreciated my existence in their life even though we’re stil young then.. i will forever treasure this one and will always mean so much to me.. i miss those mem’ries with you guys, and thanks for sharing your journey with me.. 

i thought i’ve calmed down from yesterday’s emotion but still i woke up bothered with those silly words.. i want to hate myself  for being too emotional.. i hate myself because my emotion is so weak, it easily breaks down! but what can i do, this is just me, a weak me?! i want to defend myself for once but i might hurt the person involved, he’s a bit emotional too and i want to protect his emotion even though he didn’t protect mine! looking at myself, i really can prove, silent water runs deep!

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