fated nowhere

how i miss the times we talk, we laugh, we argue, we kid-fight.. its been 6 years when i last hear you say “hi”, “hello”, “musta?”, “have you eaten?” and of course how would i forget, those jokes that made me mad and made me laugh.. all your actions don’t mean anything to me then, i didn’t even get to realize how you treat me differently compared to others.. until now that you’re too impossible to reach.. i heard you’ve been through a lot of relationships, who would reject a man with character, very good-looking and ideal guy like you?! lol.. sometimes i want to regret for giving you reasons to give up and let me go.. im so immature that i did not even acknowledge your presence everytime we meet.. the reality before will no longer be a reality today.. bringing back the old days is just an illusion! it will forever remain a memory, just memory, a memory of regret! its only now that i understand the treatment you showed me, im too naive to never felt what you want me to feel.. thanks to your friends who made me realize all those things! can’t do anything now, atleast, once in your life, i occupied your mind.. hehe.. anyway, have a happy journey in your life! stay as the man of character as you are!

i really felt disheartened these past days.. i seldom talk or at most i dont talk at all.. i know the root of this feeling is just too shallow compared to others who really have a serious heart weakening encounters with other people.. i grew up like this and words are so meaningful to me.. my mood and spirit are easily influenced by words i hear.. i’ve mentioned from my earlier post that a very simple appreciation really means a lot to me and a simple negative word can cause me hatred.. that’s how shallow i am yet so deep.. how contradictory those words are, shallow yet deep?! a bit confusing, right? anyway, im all alone and i dont have anybody to cheer me up these lonely days i have.. even though i can feel my insignificant existence to some people dear to me, i want to gain some spirit to view the brighter side of me.. i kept this sheet of paper where my friends have written some words of appreciation, thank you’s, encouragement; this was actually written during our class retreat.. this somehow has the ability to cheer me up, i feel my importance in their life, i feel as if i have done something good in their life, i feel as if i have left a mark and happy memories in their life, i feel as if i really am an important part of their life. its good they appreciated my existence in their life even though we’re stil young then.. i will forever treasure this one and will always mean so much to me.. i miss those mem’ries with you guys, and thanks for sharing your journey with me.. 

i thought i’ve calmed down from yesterday’s emotion but still i woke up bothered with those silly words.. i want to hate myself  for being too emotional.. i hate myself because my emotion is so weak, it easily breaks down! but what can i do, this is just me, a weak me?! i want to defend myself for once but i might hurt the person involved, he’s a bit emotional too and i want to protect his emotion even though he didn’t protect mine! looking at myself, i really can prove, silent water runs deep!

as im pressing every character’s key in this keyboard to form a word, a sentence, tears roll down my cheeks uncontrollably and my eyes are obviously swollen.. im a bit pissed but more of hurt.. again, i’ve heard a word thrown directly from a dear’s mouth — it hurts not only me, i know! how much prayer will it take to touch you and somehow make you realize how much pain your words caused me, or did you even care for my feelings?! you may think i’m naive but you just don’t know how affected i am with your words that are slowly killing me inside.. hearing those words, i felt so useless, so stupid as if im a nobody to you! is it too much to ask for a little respect from you, atleast as a person?

again i tell you, be careful with your words, you might hurt others or others might hate you! i’m running out of control so please before i do things i might regret, think first before you talk! words are such a big deal for me ‘coz you’re hitting me emotionally.. believe it or not, i would prefer you hitting me physically than degrading me emotionally! physical wounds are easy to heal but wounded heart feeling uncared is so hard to cure.. don’t worry, i can still take the pain for now, i’ll keep this in silent curing the pain by myself!

it’s still 2 in the afternoon yet the surrounding is slowly getting dim and dimmer until a heavy downpour came.. it is a relentless rain as if heaven is so mad! the cold weather and the strong wind that enters my room gives me the feeling of laziness having a sluggish body that doesn’t want to respond to even just a simple act of picking up my teddy that fell from my bed.. the obvious sound of the rain falling on our rooftop is just so annoying, i could really feel heaven and nature’s anger! lol! how i wish this cold weather is not tailed by this frightening rain; it could be better if this perfect chillness around is along with just a gentle rain.. that would really be a great feeling — embracing the cold wind as it blows, lying in my bed, playing soft music, relaxing and eventually letting go of the emotions and worries inside, so carefree! but ei, kindly knock my head off, i’m kinda daydreaming here! oh God, just give us a gentle rain for now!

all blame laid on me again! am i that bungling in your eyes?! i’m just so tired listening to all accusations of misdeed thrown to me as if my real fault! can’t you see how painful your words are?! it did crushed my heart! knowing myself, although im so passive almost my whole life and doesn’t have broad experiences as you have since i’m way younger than you are, this i proudly tell you: i know how to accept mistake if its truly my fault! that’s not a hard thing for me to do so long im the real one held responsible for it! please don’t blame everything to me and put me down with those hurtful words! what’s worst is you’re just so dear to me that i can’t answer you back! arguing with you just hurt me even more! defending myself might offend you! so kindly watch your words, i don’t want to hurt you and i don’t want to hate you!